Friday, May 14, 2010

A year of change

So, my most recent actual post was nearly a year ago. things can change in just a short year. I don't think that anything in my life is the same as it was a year ago. I don't know who, if anyone will read this but I suppose I'll be as vague as possible if ever. I'd like to say that if you ever want details, you will have to read my journal after I die, but I'm not so good at that either!

I often feel like my mind has taken a vacation; not really but I feel like my head is in all sorts of different places these days. Between my mom getting married again & the stress of family matters relating to that and my own personal struggles with desperately wanting another baby and the possible miscarriages (a women just knows), I have forgotten what it's like to feel normal but something tells me that I used to really like it!

My mom was re-married in November to a very nice man named Hal. It's always difficult when a widowed mother finds love again and actually wants to get married and I struggled with it at first. I can't really explain to those once close to me how I know but I have had the very distinct impression that this was okay with my dad so I let it go and decided to give Hal a chance. All I can say, is that I am very glad I did because it is the greatest thing to see my mom smile again. It had been nearly 4 years since my dad passed away at the time (nearly 4 1/2 years now) and those were very long, sad years for her. I know that my mom will never stop loving my dad...never, she has told me so and I believe her with all my heart...they were sealed in The Temple and the wonderful thing is that Hal understands that. I think that for me, this really helps.

I went to my mom's house a couple of weekends ago for the first time since the wedding and I have to admit that I was a bit apprehensive because I didn't quite know what to expect being that another man lives there now. There was nothing pictures had been removed, no momentos had been put away, no different furniture; there was just one more wedding picture on the wedding wall. Sometimes change can be good...but unfortunately, it has not all been good because it has left me feeling very alone and separated from my siblings. That's all that I will say about that.

Let's see, the baby thing. I never thought that I would only have two children and I still don't. But with my health, it seems to have been one thing after another (according to my doctor who I don't see anymore) and I have gone through 3 years of testing because of some weirdness in my kidneys. Finally, after a biopsy last summer, I had had enough because the diagnosis was the same as three years ago-"yep, there's a problem but you'll live"...

Off and on during those years we had decided that maybe it was time for another child but it was not meant to be and then the testing would start up again. So, it has been a very trying year since the biopsy because we know that there is another spirit that we are supposed to have in our family and he just isn't coming. I believe that I have had at least two early miscarriages recently which has only compounded the frustration.

... but when I really stop to think about it, if these two little boys that I have are the only two that I get to raise in this life, how grateful I am that it is these two little boys. I am so thankful that they chose me to be their mother and though they are a handful, they are the most loving, sensitive, and sweet handfuls that there ever was!

So, changes or not, life goes on and we adapt. I guess that it what it is time to do. The kids are growing, Stephen got promoted, and I bought myself a Wii Fit and a Cricut Gypsy and now I'm on a mission to fix my crazy head! Wish me luck...

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